So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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