WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
