I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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