he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
