I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize