how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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