I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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