You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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