I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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