dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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