hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
