I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
