I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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