Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
