I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
