saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
