i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
