I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes