then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity