Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
