No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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