I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
