We're facebook friends in real life
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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