he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
