Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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