Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.