dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
