YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
