he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
