things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
