I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
