I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
