I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
