I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
