So drunk its hurt
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
