Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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