Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
