I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize