is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
