Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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