My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
