you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
