Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
