Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
