he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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