I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
