I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
