he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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