I smell stomach acid.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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