how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
