U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
