I'm really into asian looking animals
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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