how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
True college students do jello shots in the library
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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